I think I've gotten too comfortable with myself.
I've spent the last half hour freaking out that my bank account only has around five hundred dollars in it, when I expected at least eight hundred dollars.
I got too excited about getting a new cell phone. Nothing wrong with new cell phones. Or being excited about them. But... I don't know... I feel materialistic. I feel dirty. I feel fake.
I feel like I should go somewhere. I don't know where. Just leave... and look for something somewhere else. I don't know what to look for. What could I find in Europe that's not at home?
But home is home. It's my bubble. It's my safe place where nothing too exciting happens, where life is predictable and I have to find things to worry and get excited about, like bank accounts and cell phones.
Europe is... well... not home. It's unpredictable and outside of myself. Dangerous, almost, because it's a mystery. I feel like I should go there, or somewhere like it, and come to grasp the dangerous and the foreign. I feel like that might make me more real somehow. But maybe that's a materialistic dream in and of itself. I guess I wouldn't be loving an actual material object, but I would be looking to the atmosphere and the surroundings to make me happy.
I want to come to a point in my life where I don't have to force happiness up out of myself. Because that's exactly what I do sometimes. I don't feel happy, so I buy something or I try to get people to pay attention to me so that I'll feel happy again. I consciously force happiness onto me, and maybe I feel happy for a while as a result, but in the end I'm never happy. I don't buy very many things, and I don't have very many friends, but a lot of times the things I do have and the attention that I get from friends are usually the result of my pursuit of happiness.
Perhaps happiness is only the byproduct of something greater. Maybe if I lift the focus from happiness and put the focus onto a certain object, say a person or God, and admire and love the object for what it is, perhaps happiness will come to me.
This concept is a crazy one which I can never express correctly. If you want a good expression of this concept, read Surprised by Joy.
Grandma and my mom are cutting out linen to make scrubbies.
Do you know what a scrubby is?
1 comment:
Find something to do for someone else that makes you happy. Maybe just doing something to make someone smile.
Liking new things doesn't make you materialistic, having to have things to make you happy does.
If you feel that way make a new friend. Talk to someone you don't know well. Get to know them. Find out their past, their struggles, their joys..Take it and put it against your own life. How are things better worse? What do you have that they don't and vice versa? Then realize what you have that makes you happy that maybe you've taken for granted or gotten used to and over looked. Try something new. I learn more about myself when I think of others. I realize how different things are. I think about what I should appreciate that I don't. And I change it. I always end up happier. Every time.
Scrubbies...don't you crochet them not cut linen for them?
Post a Comment