For me, living as an artist is like holding onto a very long rope. I can't see the other end of it, but it's pulling me that way (whatever "that" way is). I have two choices: let go, or have the patience, will, and curiosity to follow it.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm tied to the rope-- not just holding on. I feel I don't have much choice other than to, "see where this goes," and let the rope lead.
Other times, I feel like I can't find the rope anywhere, that I let go of it a while ago when I wasn't paying attention and now it's gone.
Usually, it has a way of reappearing when I look hard enough.
I've let it lead me this far that I think it would be sad if I lost it completely.
And yet sometimes I wish I wasn't holding onto it at all. There are things somewhere else that look pleasant and wonderful in their own ways, and what might be in my head is to drop it and go.
And maybe I would be happy.
But I know that even then, the absence of the rope would be in my head.
And I would lead a sort of half-life, never having truly seen where the rope lead.
Maybe I'll never, even now, see where the rope is connected.
Maybe it's not really connected to anything, and it's just pulling me through this big place, on its own path, set in its own trail.
I feel honored to follow.
Sometimes.
Other times I feel unequipped and lacking. Things of myself get in the way of following the rope. That is the most frustrating.
This is why I have had trouble confirming within myself that I am an artist. I feel unequipped for the word, but it's what I wish to be, beyond anything. The problem is that I'm not quite there yet. I see that I have much farther to go, so much more to learn, so many gaps to fill, that it's strange to think of myself as an artist.
But I am creative, in my own way. I am dedicated, in my own way. And, occasionally, I am inspired, in my own way. I know this about myself, and I am learning to remind myself through their actions.
I suppose what I want most of all is to be in the good spectrum of the artistic world. That will satisfy me more than any praise I receive for my actions.
I just want to see how far this goes, pretty much.
I hate how much perspective has to do with art. It makes me question what "good" art is, and if I make "good" art. Good and bad is relative to perspective, but yet so many people respond positively to similar things, that there is still some sort of over-arching ultimate gauge in people's heads.
This frustrates me as well...
So all I can focus on is my rope, holding on and following, and letting it take me where it will. I know if I follow it, it will be good. That is enough.
