Change

I've been writing in cursive lately.

 It changes how you think about the words that you write. I can't help you understand that or explain it to you-- I guess, if you don't write in cursive, start, and then you'll see what I mean. If you write in cursive, try the other way. Feel the change.

Change.

I hear all the time from people that life is built on change:

 Life always changes,

the world around you constantly changes,

the people around you change.

You, yourself change.

Change is caused from within. Something outside of you can actually change. Your environment can change, someone's personality can change. You yourself can change just based on active decision making to bring about that change.

Change is also subjective. Sometimes the only thing that changes is the amount of information that you have about your environment, or your friends, or yourself. Sometimes nothing changes at all, but everything feels different, because you know what you didn't know before-- or you don't remember what you did know before.

Some of these are my ideas. Some of them are the ideas of other people's minds.

Everyone says change is good.

I think that's a perspective that people have in order to make life easier. If you don't let go while things around you inevitably change, as things slip away from you while you're still holding on, there is tension and conflict and life does not go smoothly.

But if you accept change as something that is inherently good, then you accept that change and do not hold on. You move with the change-- you change with the change. That way growth happens. Change happens. And if change is a good thing, then good things happen.

This is all theoretical-- and all I'm really doing is writing in cursive. I do not really know about any of this first hand. Or maybe I do and I don't realize it. These are just things that I've thought about recently.

Right now, I guess I am going through a change. I'm not a Musical Theatre major any more. I don't know if that matters to you. I guess it's kind of a small thing when you look at the big picture. But I feel so free.

It was like there was a voice that had been yelling at me-- that screamed at me when I was younger, and I would listen to it. But then I started to hush it, to silence it, because there were other voices that sounded more authoritative and more truthful and more listenable than mine. And then eventually I stopped paying attention to even those voices because there was un-truth in them. They were voices that were speaking truths, but not truths applicable to me. I realize I'm being so extremely vague.

And so I was listening to nobody-- not myself and not anyone. I just was. And the voice kept getting quieter and quieter and I started feeling more and more miserable and un-self. It was all a volcano that was about to explode.

And it exploded.

And I'm glad it did.

I broke down. I realized I couldn't go on. I couldn't push myself and pull myself in this machine that I don't fit. I have other things. Other talents. Other gifts. A voice in me that was screaming at me to work on those, to mold those, to spend my time with those and make them great. But I kept hushing it and telling it to shut up.

Something in me made me decide that that wasn't good for me anymore-- the hushing up of my voice. I started listening to it. And I listened and listened and it grew louder and louder, and it moved me to break, and I broke. And now I feel very alive.

I'm a nothing major. I scheduled an apointment with an advisor this week, and I'll be looking into a degree in writing.

I feel so relieved. So free. So myself.

I thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for reading my words,
Isaac