Facebooked

So I deactivated my Facebook account.

Yeah, whatevs, Isaac.

How many of us have pulled that move?

The classic, "Man, dude, I just spend way too much time on that Facebook, broh. I just think, man, that I just need a break. You know, man? It is time for me, yaknow?" But then three weeks later (or days, hours, etc.) after this noble deactivation, one comes to the sullen realization, "Man, dude, I just came to the sullen realization that this Facebook, man, is a gift. And it really is just a necessary tool to use if you are to survive in the social world. Amiright, bro?" And he would probably offer me a high five. 

And I would probably give him one.

But man, dude, bro.

This Facebook thing, man, is suffocating me. Amiright?

I don't know. Maybe I don't want to be defined by a small picture on the upper left hand corner of a blue and white screen, which tells the world exactly what I want them to think of me.

And I don't want to give the world a false opinion of me. Because I know the wall is just a representation of me, or an advanced me... An edited, rethought me on a wall for everyone to see. Look at me.

No, calm down, please. I am not insulting you, if that is what you are thinking, and I understand if you might be. I am only pointing out the problems in myself that I have been made aware of, and am now sharing with you. Perhaps other, better people do not use Facebook as an ego-fix. 

The higher the number of little red notifications, 

the higher, higher, higher it goes-- your own conceit. 

Self-validation after self-validation. 

Little red notifications.

The ego-fix of a bizarre generation.

I am not saying that at all. At least, I hope that most people are not as bad as me when it comes to Facebook.

And maybe I just need time. Time to not do anything at all. Pauses between when I am doing homework, or playing music, or sleeping, or eating, or whatever else I do in a normal day. I want to have time to simply feel where I am at, rather than use facebook as a time-filler, metaphorically "liking" things people say, or scrolling down a news feed of people, most of whom I barely know.

Maybe I need time to feel the house, my friends, my art. To feel them and experience them without the feeling that I'll have to document it all later on a metaphorical wall that is really nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

And I don't feel safe. Dude, have you read Brave New World?

So, I mean, there are a lot more reasons, and they're all probably just as boring as what I've already said.

The point is, I'm trying to do what I feel like I shouldn't. I'm trying to not use Facebook. 

The reason I feel like I shouldn't use Facebook is because I feel like it's too easy to use Facebook; yet it's too difficult to not use Facebook.

 When it comes down to it, it is the easiest thing in the world to have a facebook account. And it is among the hardest things in the world not to. I wonder if someone designed it this way. Are we being controlled, or monitored? Maybe these theories are too much. But is it enough to simply question?

Let's just say, in my life, the negatives far outweigh the benefits of Facebook, and I want to see if I can step back from it.

Even now, I absentmindedly check the imagined closed tab up top to check if I have any notifications, in between thought patterns.

In the meantime, I guess I'll be on here.

The thing that I can use to prove to myself and to you that I am serious about this whole quitting Facebook thing is that I gave my password to my roommate Chris. I then asked him to log into my account, change the password to something of his own design, then deactivate the account. That way, if I wanted to reactive my account, it would not be as easy as just logging back in. I would have to go through Chris. And Chris, being Chris, has decided to go all John Locke on me (Please note the Lost reference), and said that he will give me the password only after I ask him three times. On the third time, he will give me the password. Just like with John Locke and Charlie with the Heroine in the nun-figurines. It all feels very epic when it can be compared with Lost.

I don't know how long I will last. It is actually a very scary thought, to go days or weeks or months without Facebook. And the fact that it is scary is even more reason to be afraid of Facebook and to run away.

So this is me, Running.

I wonder if you doubt me. I doubt myself. But I want to know what it's like, life without Facebook. The fact that that is a difficult thing for me to imagine is more than enough reason to me to explore it.

This is me going beyond. Perhaps it is small. Or perhaps unnecessary. Or even, regretably, too much. But I will let you know.

Maybe I'm not expressing myself well. I want to know that I can be free. I guess that is what it comes down to. Perhaps this is immature of me. All I can say to that is we'll see.

I am running away. Or trying to. I'm not doing a very good job. I feel like an escape convict from a mental institution who just broke through his cell window and used the bed sheets through the window technique. But I'm very klutzy and am afraid of heights. And the cops and their dogs are at my heels. 

Maybe I"m over-dramatizing this.

So I guess if we were friends on Facebook (I like how that's a normal term now. There's a differentiation between Friends and Friends on Facebook. One is real. The other is official.) 

Anyway, if we were friends on Facebook, I suppose this is the way you'll keep up with me now? 

I just realized how egotistical this all might be. Hey, I'm not using Facebook anymore, so if you want to know anything about me, you're going to have to go to my own personal blog and visit a website that's all about me and my real spiritual battle with fighting off the demons of addiction to Facebook.

So here's to that. I hope that through this as I become more connected to my physical state, rather than my social state, I can come to some realizations. Or I just put myself through all of this for nothing.

Or, hopefully what will happen is this won't be a big deal at all, and all of this will be super easy.

Yeah... here's to that.

Oh. And here's to this dog.

I love this dog.