More on Schizophrenia

At parties, I am not the one to dominate the dance floor, throwing my hands in the air, eyes closed, body moving to the pulsing bass drum of one of today's top 40s. I always thought I would be.
No.
I dominate the corner of the room much better. I'm good at watching people. Some of them drunk, others dancing with each other in ways that the parents wouldn't approve of (It's college...), and others simply high on life itself. There's the occasional one or two who stumble out on the dance floor, trying to get into the movement of everybody else, trying to let go of themselves and just dance, but they just can't. They're too scared of looking or feeling stupid. They're out of place-- they feel and look like they just don't belong there. They would probably much rather a quiet movie with some friends, or a trip to a coffee shop alone with A Tale of Two Cities. But they're not watching a movie or reading a classic-- they're dancing in a tiny room with a bunch of people they don't know.

In a way, I really like where I stand. I get huge laughs out of people acting foolishly happy, and I can stay out of the whole Christian moral debate about drinking and partying.
And that's where it boils down. I am the indecisive, and otherwise isolated, observer.
I was talking to my good buddy Daniel about this not too long ago. It went more or less like this:
"Everything's in question, pretty much. And... I don't know. I feel isolated,
because I'm not ready to drop God or morals completely. But I also really want to, and there's a lot of reason to do so. But there's also a lot of reason NOT to. So you're just stuck between the two. You want to just have fun and party and do what you want, but you're also not quite sold if it's okay. And you're also not quite sold if it's NOT okay.
It's a terrible dilemma that pushes you to be the observer of other people pursuing whatever they believe: partying... Christianity... God, while you simply watch them from where you stand, wishing you were them."
You're a man with a foot in both camps, in a stalemate. Like World War I. There is no movement. You want to move, but are completely indecisive whether to the left or right.
I really do want to believe things. Being lukewarm really isn't an option. It's all or nothing. But what exactly All goes into is a terribly scary decision.

I feel very hypocritical. One day, I'm a Christian, all about God and his glory, etc. And then I go to sleep and it feels like someone has turned on a switch that tells me that God has nothing to do with me, that he never existed, and that Jesus was just a crazy hippie who fooled a lot of people, playing the biggest joke man has ever played on humanity. In just twenty-four hours, I go from Saint to Sacrilege-- a complete and distinct opposites. I do think that in the majority of the united states, this would be labeled as a severe case of schizophrenia. I feel like I belong in one of those white jackets that tie your arms together in a room with no windows and lots of pillows, and every eight hours, they inject this fluid into me for no apparent reason, all the while, me, screaming at the top of my lungs that We (both of me) are completely sane.