Satisfaction?

There are moments in your life when you feel very tired. Not just a physical tired when all you crave is a dark room and a bed. Not even an emotional tired, really, when you feel drained of being happy for people and you crave just a dark room and a movie. It's another tired-- one that sort of festers inside your chest, but you couldn't really point where. It makes you feel dirty inside, like you haven't had a bath all your life and you're not really sure how to bathe anyway. It's the sort of tired where even the beauty of nature and of music and literature and art can't satisfy. You're not in the mood for beauty because you feel bored with it. You crave something new, I guess. Something you haven't seen or heard or smelled or felt before, but you don't know where to look for it. And this overwhelms you, this desire for something ethereal. And it just makes you feel incomplete and, well, tired.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I've lived my whole life with the desire to be consumed by something. No, my goal in life is not to be fed to lions. Why do you always take me so literally?
I just think that I wait out every day in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I could come across something so beautiful and so absolutely good that I will be consumed with an awe and love, perhaps, for it. And I will never hunger for anything beautiful or good again, because I have found all I will ever need. I will be made complete by this something, because I won't crave anything else. Does this make sense?
Take a sunset for example. Everyone likes sunsets. Especially the ones over the ocean on the West coast in San Diego or somewhere like that.
What if, one evening, I see a sunset that is so pure and vivid and incredibly powerful and colorful that I am absolutely consumed with awe and wonder and absolute appreciation for its beauty. I am so consumed with this beauty that I could go the rest of my life with its image imprinted in my head, never having to see another sunset ever again, because I am satisfied. Completely satisfied.
I would be a very different person, wouldn't I? I would be the only one on the planet who is completely satisfied, never searching for anything outside of himself, like a sunset or a waterfall, to make him complete.
I think this is why the Double Rainbow guy is so popular. He is the rare individual who stumbles upon the indescribable beauty of this earth expressed in a double complete rainbow across the sky. And for a segment of about five minutes which is caught on video camera, he is completely taken aback with awe and immense appreciation for this beauty, to the point of laughter and tears and screaming. And for those five minutes, he seems to be the only person on the face of the earth who is actually satisfied, as if he will never hunger for anything else ever again. And the public wants this. We want to be satisfied with something, be it a rainbow or a sunset or a girlfriend or wife or food or money or nostalgia or the little things in life like umbrellas. We want to find something that satisfied, but we can never do it. We always are craving more. And this makes us tired.
I doubt whether the double rainbow guy will be satisfied for long. He seemed immensely satisfied, for those five minutes. But I'm sure that hairy, tubby hippy will some day get the urge to perhaps see another rainbow, or to see a pretty girl, or a sunset, or something beautiful. Even he, the double rainbow guy, is not complete.

And this is what makes me tired. I crave something, but can never have it. I want to be satisfied, but I never am.
And I believe this is an incurable disease that I will live with until I die.

But afterwards?

:)