I Shaved my Head and it Didn't Look That Great

I am so lostttttt.

Blame it on the distractions.

Blame it on the mindset that I'm part of the generation of Facebook statuses, memes, instagram posts, ten second snap chat stories, and twitter posts.

it's maddening, i tell you.
We so easily accept what is laid out before us.

I get so ecstatically frustrated by the state of things,
by the state of this,
 and I feel like the most powerful way I can do anything about it is "post" a status,
 a small blurb in the infinite timeline that everyone's eyes are glued to,
that everyone's thumbs can't help but continuously caress,
but it's a place where no one goes for actual deep conversation,
for any sort of compelling thought processes other than cat videos
and what happened on saturday night live last night,
or what our fools in political power have done now.

And more time passes, and we all get older,
 and the glacial pace that time takes to carve valleys in our faces
is more and more evident.
Okay, I stole that last thought from a Death Cab song.
 But hey, at least i'm listening to music again,
and not just pretending that I'm interested in bands.

I am stuck, and I did it to myself, because I bought into the idea that these modes of expression were real,
only because they were the most direct ways to get right in front of people.
But it's not lasting, it's cheap, and it's sad.

I have become content to obsess over other people's lives,
over images of the pricey coffee they're drinking,
or who went on vacation to Italy,
and someone's new car, or an overly-glamorous selfie.
And I've been part of the whole thing.
I want to be seen.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME.

Blame it on being a twenty-something who got into a relationship that was way over his emotional scale,
who was completely destroyed by it, and then somehow resurfaced from the rubble like an awkward phoenix,
 who shaved his head in a fit of rage,
who forgot about eating,
because sadness just consumes you sometimes,
 but don't let it because it doesn't deserve to do that to you.
Who moved to a different city to reinvent himself,
and is really finding it difficult to understand what being human is,
while maintaining healthy relationships with the ones he cares about,
and who now finally at a healthy state is going back to his roots,
the music he made when he was younger,
and learning to appreciate himself,
all of himself,
again.

And so here I am.
I want to express something that's lasting.
I used to work that way.
But I was fooled. I let myself be fooled, and I'm so so so sorry, self.
 Please forgive me.

All that to say,  I'm still here. I'm not as asleep as I used to be. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive.