Purpose

Tonight was the first night in my life that I feel like I simply did nothing more than exist.
During the semester, I guess I've given myself the illusion that all the hubbub of academic and social success gives a sort of purpose to my life. Being surrounded by stuff that you either have to do or want to do sort of gives off that effect, I guess.

Or rather, it dismisses the whole idea of Purpose at all. Being busy just gives you something to do, gives you a bad excuse to not wonder why you're being busy. And when you're not busy, you start thinking, which is a dangerous past time, indeed.

So this morning my parents decided to take a little road trip down to Florida for a week. On top of this, both of my sisters are married. On top of This this, I have no more siblings. The result of this was me, waking up by myself, eating breakfast by myself, leaving an empty house to go to work, coming back to an empty house, and then sort of... existing... by myself the rest of the night.

When I got back from work, I had absolutely nothing to do. I then did something that I feel gives a lot of insight onto human nature in general: I started finding things to do. I cleaned out my closet. I ate dinner. I fed the dog. I wrote music. I watched tv.

Looking back on today, I feel like the mentality was "Find ways to waste time until I have to go to sleep."

When I realized this I was pretty ashamed of myself. I've always been one to try to make the most of the time I've been given. At least I always felt like I was, but then a really sad though hit me: Isn't that what everybody does, anyway? Don't we all just find things to do in our lives to just fill the space between the moment we enter reality until the moment we leave it? I don't mean to be too despicably pessimistic about the humans, but, if you think about it, it's kind of true. I mean, why else would we have so much... stuff... in our lives? Tons (literal tons) of entertainment, movies, video games, hobbies, music.... Could I even go so far as to say Religion and Academics?

I feel like humanity is just sort of saying "Well, we're here. We have no idea why we're here, or even how we got here, and what happens once we're not here, but we're here nonetheless. Soo.... what do we do with ourselves?" And then they started building stuff and observing the world around them and using those observations to create new ways to make our time in reality more passable. Then the human sub group that i was born into decided that it was good enough to sit on top of all the progress of humanity and pass the time by twiddling their thumbs, chasing careers and marriages and Religions and hobbies until they get bored.

And this isn't a cut against religion. I just thought I'd point that out.

I don't know... I feel like all I did was twiddle my thumbs today, finding ways to pass the time until I sleep. I've tasted the basis of what I hope isn't what this life is all about. I hope there is something more, and I hope I can find it.