I'm Sorry.

I feel bad about my latest blog. What was supposed to be a blog about how evolution is a plausible explanation for this life, given the fact that baby's fetuses (and many other fetuses for that matter) look so strange and animal-like, similar to each other in several respects during their earliest stages of development, and given the fact that micro-evolution occurs daily in our world, suddenly turned into a sloppy feel-good Christiany three point message that concludes with "keep your eyes closed with your hands over your ears and sing hymns to yourself and don't think." I have been confronted with this blog by two people already, both of whom's opinions I hold in very high regard. One said that I have generalized evolutionists into being lonely people, and this is a fallacy. And they were right. That was a fallacy and I was wrong. The other shared me a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9M_ZF8r5e7w&feature=player_embedded of a scholar who is opposed to the idea of the God of the Old Testament, but not opposed to the idea of Intelligent Design. She said that perhaps I shouldn't be too hasty in ruling out such ideas as evolution and, in short, to not be a stupid feel-good Christian.
I give my apologies to both of these people and thank them both for showing me my faults.

Yet in my defense, I do think that I have misrepresented myself quite foolishly.
This whole summer I have been mulling through every idea that has ever been presented to me about life through the perspective of Christianity. I have looked at it with a critical eye and have been disgusted about the un-thinking state that some Christians are in--- the state that I am guilty of being in. I've thought about how we all just parrot cute little sayings to each other, convincing ourselves that those sayings are true and that you're a Christian if you say them. Statements like, "The purpose of life is to glorify God!" or "May God bless you" or the whole concept about God saving us by Grace through Faith. First of all, what does it mean to glorify something? Does God need our glory? And what if God doesn't bless us? Who are we to tell God to bless people, anyway? And where exactly does Grace stop and Faith come into play? I could go off onto all sorts of tangents, but I won't. All of those questions may seem very basic, but once you delve in a little further, you'll see what I mean when I say that a lot of us don't know what we're talking about when we say what we say.
I became so fed up with these little things that kept building up that I walked away from Christianity all together this summer. I was sick of trying to convince myself that there was a God and that He loves me. I would try so many different techniques-- sometimes blogging about God's love... sometimes writing songs about it...talking about it. But in my heart I had no idea what I was talking about or if it was real. I guess yesterday's blog was just another attempt to convince myself that everything I had ever been taught is true and I don't have to worry about being let down by truths anymore.

Some Christians call this "falling away," whatever that means. I call it thinking for myself for once.

At the beginning of the summer, I had asked my Pre-Calculus teacher what he would do if I emailed him and said I was an agnostic. He said that he would be very sad. I said that I would too, but I couldn't keep living without thinking. I told him I had to come to terms with some of these questions-- the basic questions of Christianity of which I won't go into detail. He said that this is the best news he had ever heard, and he told me that he wanted me to think and consider every different world view and find out what's true. I said thank you and that I would. But then he said something that I have taken to heart. "I do want you to consider everything else out there that offers truth. But first, I want you to start with the character of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Study him and decide for yourself if this man was who he says He was-- the Son of God, the King of the Jews, the Savior." He didn't say all of this, but he meant it. I said thank you, and that I would do that.
And I have. I've thrown away everything I had ever presumed to be true about God and Jesus and Islam and Evolution and everything else and have started from scratch, searching for truth everywhere.

I'm sure I've confused all of you so far.


I'm just a man who craves a God. And I'm a man who craves love. And it makes me very sad to think that perhaps neither exist. That is what I meant by saying that Evolutionists seem sad. I chose my words poorly. I didn't mean that every evolutionist is sad. But the idea of believing that a God who loves does not exist makes me sad. I should've expressed that clearer. I'm sorry, Erin.

I think I am just very weak. I can't cope with the possibilities of some things being true. If the existence of a God is proven to be false, I do believe that a suicide would be in order, not to be melodramatic. Either that, or I would turn into an absolute rapist or something terrible. There would be nothing holding me together anymore. God is my sanity-- the reason I stay sane. With him out of the picture, there would be no reason to live.

If you are an atheist and you read this and you laugh at me, that's okay. You can laugh. You are stronger than me. You're good at being alone. But I need a God. And considering the pathetic state of mistake-making that I am in, I need some sort of intervening savior to make this relationship with God work out, which is why I need someone like the character of Christ.

I'm in a New Testament class for Religious Studies and we're studying the gospels at the moment. I've never studied the gospels like this. We're studying the emotions behind the book-- why the book was written. What drove these writers to write this gospel.
Mark wrote his gospel to preserve the memory of his best friend Peter, who passed away in Rome during the Christian persecution of A.D. 70. Peter had lost his life for the cause of Jesus' gospel. It was all Peter had, and he couldn't believe anything else. Mark wrote this gospel to remember. To remember Peter and why he is dead.
This is all minor speculation. But most Academic people agree that Mark and Peter were friends when Mark wrote his book.

I'm glad the book of the Bible was more than some Holy Script that this God had plopped onto human kind. No. It was an emotional collection of letters and documents and stories that evolved into one big book.
I have studied the character of Jesus Christ and have fallen in love with Him. I don't know all there is to know yet, but I do know that He was legitimate. At least part of me knows. The other part only hopes that He is who he says he is. I want Him to be, because I'm very scared of the consequences if He's not.

You probably believe me to be a very great baby for not wanting to be left alone without a God to keep Him warm.

That's all I have to say.
I owe my sincerest apologies to anyone who I have offended.